Confession

Okay, so I’ve been doing pretty well since last you heard from me, aside from one errant movie night involving mac and cheese and a few airheads I have behaved myself and I’m feeling really good and really proud of me! However, this is a cheat confession, as I am having the worst period chocolate cravings ever. And I’m about to have some ice cream. I think it’s called “Mudslide Madness” by Ben and Jerry’s. This is me confessing! Today has not been a binge-a-thon. I had a light breakfast, chicken breast and veggies for lunch, and a salad for dinner. So I’m feeling okay about this. Not great. But I don’t think anyone is getting in between me and my ice cream right now. But that’s my choice. I also feel like I have the power to quit before I eat the whole container. That is the plan!

Last night I got my Christmas present from my FANTASTIC husband… two new tattoos from the amazing Rich at Inktrix here in Chadron, so I’m going to be sticking with Yoga for a few days as I think if I tried to run/jump/bounce in anyway I might punch myself in the face.

I confess tattoos are my true addiction!

What Day Is It Again?

So, in spite of the determination I felt during my last post I haven’t been completely successful at picking myself up again. I’ve been doing… Okay. I think that I might be a little bit of a perfectionist because I want to spit that word in my own face. I’ve been so angry at myself for not succeeding that I keep not succeeding. My own self recrimination is feeding the flames of my emotional eating. What’s funny is that after the healthy food I was eating the crappy stuff tastes like crappy junky stuff. But I keep eating it anyway. Why? 

It’s not the end of the world. I’m not even doing that badly. Steel cut oats with honey and apples for breakfast. Left over quinoa spaghetti for lunch. A taco salad for dinner. Homemade light cheese sticks when I wanted something to snack on during my Gilmore Girls marathon. But then I decided I couldn’t not have something sweet. I deserved a reward for going through a crappy day. Hell, a crappy week. So I ordered an Oreo Cyclone from a local burger joint and had them deliver it to my house. Because I was just that lazy. And embarrassed.

Is this social conditioning? Is this how the world makes us feel when we screw up? Or am I doing this to myself? Both, maybe. I’m not sure. Do you guys go through this too?

Well, I’m still powering through. I’m not giving up. I can’t say I don’t feel crappy about my mistakes, but I’m going to try not to let that feeling define my future eating habits.

I’ve been doing my workouts, though without the drive I usually feel. After the holiday’s I’m thinking I may take the Aerobic Kickboxing Class offered by an old co-worker of mine at the local Karate school. Perhaps if I get involved in exercise with other people I’ll find that love again. That feeling of pride that comes when you push your body to its sweatiest, stinkiest limits.

I’m also writing up my shopping list for the next two weeks. I think I may go Paleo- or at least start incorporating more of the Paleo lifestyle into my eating habits. I usually seem to drift towards the Paleo recipe boards on my recipe hunts anyway… They just make sense to me. They feel logical. Like common sense. I’ll post a copy of my meal plan and shopping list for the next two weeks here soon.

And I’ll make you guys a deal. Anytime I slip up I’ll post about it here. Before I eat it. Hell, before I buy whatever junk food is tempting me. And If I have a good day, I’ll write about it here too. I hope you guys will help me stay motivated and cheer me on through this. I need it! If you guys ever need a cheerleader, send me a message and I’ll talk it out with you!

 

 

Day Twenty-Six: Falling Off The Wagon

As the title of this post indicates, I had some mishaps. Thinking back it started on Thanksgiving. You see, my Mother-In-Law makes these to die for cheddar biscuits that melt in your mouth. Melt, I tell you. I made my way through dinner with a whole lot of strength, actually. I made a Paleo Pumpkin Pie that was quite yummy, so I had a healthy desert there which helped quite a bit. But then she gave us a Tupperware container to fill up with leftovers. I threw three of those delicious biscuits in there, furtively looking over my shoulder like I was dealing crack to, well, myself.

When I got home I waited until I had the house to myself and then chowed down. It was three biscuits. In the long run, put in perspective, I did pretty well for Thanksgiving. But because I was sneaking, because I was feeling guilty for each bite I took. It impacted me. It made me feel like I had failed. It’s just food. I know all the ways that you are supposed to act after you slip on a diet. I know that. Drink extra water. Eat a little leaner the next day. Do an extra workout.

Instead I just kind of sat there. Biscuit crumbs on my plate, feeling anything but satisfied. Later I ignored the feelings, saying I didn’t need to come clean (which is why I didn’t update here), pretending I didn’t screw up on my promises to myself.

Well, now I’m coming clean.

What that tiny mishap led to was a bigger mishap because I didn’t deal. It was a progression, slowly I let go of some of my rules. I stopped writing here. I stopped tracking my food in my journal. I stopped exercising. Finally, yesterday, I forgot. I forgot my goals while I was ordering my lunch at the local coffee shop. And I ordered a Pumpkin Cheesecake Cupcake. Yes. It was as good as it sounds.

That same guilt hit again and, again, instead of dealing, I just let that guilt fester. And fester. Until that night at dinner I basically said screw it. If I had already messed up, I might as well go down with cheese on top.

And then for dinner I had Pizza with extra cheese, Ben and Jerry’s and a Vanilla Coke.. I don’t even like soda. I think it’s nasty and tastes like syrup you drink. I think I was punishing myself with food. 

That little voice of self doubt was going off in my head. “I don’t deserve to succeed. I don’t deserve to be happy. I can’t do it anyway. Just give up and eat.”

I don’t want to be the kind of person who thinks that way. So, here I am being honest. Here I am, building myself back up. Trying to become someone strong.

In the end, I don’t think it’s about the junk food. Not really. I think it’s about the person who eats junk food and why they are eating it. I want to be the kind of person who eats good, healthy food because that is what they think they deserve.

My new mantra: I deserve the good. Good food. Good love. Good family. Good friends. Good books. Good education. Good life.

I deserve to give myself a good life. That is what I deserve. That is what I choose.

Avocado Pasta

I based dish on this recipe: http://ohsheglows.com/2011/01/31/15-minute-creamy-avocado-pasta/

I pretty much revamped this to my taste and what I had around my kitchen.

I used quinoa pasta, which I keep mentioning, BECAUSE IT’S THE BOMB! I will say, make sure that your water is boiling before you add the pasta and that you add oil and salt right away because it seems to either clump together or become gloppy if you don’t. As long as you do that it’s fantastic.

I didn’t have any basil in the house so I substituted kale. I also substituted lemon juice for lime. I found that my blender didn’t particularly want to blend this as it was rather thick so I thinned it out a little with some coconut milk…. and I skipped adding olive oil (only had coconut oil) and garlic (my refrigerator ate it. It’s in there somewhere. I bought elephant garlic and apparently I’m blind. Although, I did put a pan in the fridge the other day while I was putting the clean dishes away so, eh, the garlic is probably hiding in my sock drawer or something.).

I also grilled a chicken breast and put half of that on top of the pasta with some mozzarella. Other half for lunch tomorrow. Ohhhh… On a panini! With my left over avocado! And some Havarti cheese and tomatoes! But I digress…

This dish was really tasty and I had a lot of fun customizing it. I recommend squeezing a lemon over top of it as the flavor of the lemon juice really pops against the creaminess of the avocado.

On a side note, I also had my first experience cooking with almond flour which I officially love. I used it in a crust for chicken pot pie.

http://www.elanaspantry.com/paleo-pie-crust/

I basically just added fat free cream of chicken soup and a handful of cheddar to a crap ton of different veggies that were sauteed with a chopped chicken breast in coconut oil and seasoned with pure sea salt, pepper and Mrs Dash. Then dumped that into the almond crust and topped it with Parmesan cheese and a smidgen of whole grain Italian breadcrumbs. I could have made a crust for the top as well but I thought this was more fun! It also kept the dish from being dominated by crust.

Well, now you should go cook something healthy and delicious and send me the recipe so I can try it too!

 

Day Fifteen: Temptation and Motivation

I was severely contemplating ordering a large cheese pizza this evening. At one point I was holding onto this personal challenge by sheer stubbornness alone. When I almost broke, when I was at the point of giving in, I sat down and made this list of motivations.

Motivation

• Sexy Abs
• Feel good about myself
• So that I can be successful
• To shove it in the bitchy peoples faces
• Wear a body-con dress
• Being physically fit will improve my professional success as a nutritionist or fitness trainer in the future
• Feel like I look hot in a bikini
• Look hot in a bikini
• Awesome before and after pictures
• Be healthier next time I am pregnant
• So I can look like the version of myself I see in my mind
• I don’t want to fail
• I want to acknowledge the strength in myself and make it visible to others
• Buying new, smaller clothes will be fun
• Motivating others

And then I made another list…

Why I should give up:

• It’s less work
• I miss pizza
• Buying new clothes will be expensive and I will probably be wearing the same pair of jeans over and over again for 6 months straight.

It put things in perspective pretty fast. I’m not saying that if a delivery guy walked into my house with a complimentary cheese pizza right now and set it down on my counter I wouldn’t salivate like crazy. But I would have the fortitude to grab it and DESTROY said pizza by chucking it to the dog before I gave into the temptation.

I also want to point out that I am human. So some of my reasons are selfish. “Wanting to shove it in all the bitchy peoples faces”. Not exactly love-the-world of me… But it is honestly motivating for me. And I promised you guys honesty.

I feel like I am already getting some of the things from my motivation list. Maybe you can’t see my abs yet, but boy, am I acknowledging my strength right now!

So, in the spirit of motivation here is my current weight and my six month goal.

Weight at beginning of healthy living project: 198 lbs BMI* 32.4 (Note: Start weight was elevated due to miscarried pregnancy, pre-pregnancy weight was 180 lbs)

Current Weight: 185 lbs BMI 30.8

Six Month Goal: 140 lbs BMI 23.3

Which means I will need to loose a little over 7lbs a month. If I do this, I will be smaller than I have been since I was over the age of 10 years old. I do want to say that when I was 14-18 years old I was ranging wildly between 200-263lbs at my heaviest. There was a lot of criticism in my home life growing up and I ate my way through the stress it caused. When I moved out at 18 years old I realized I didn’t have to let someone’s words define me and I slowly began to implement a measure of control into my eating habits. Now that I am 23 years old I am proud of where I am. Very proud and I look forward to seeing everything else I can do as I learn and grow in this process.

Something that happened this week that was kind of awesome. Two different people that follow me on Facebook mentioned to me that they liked my posts about this journey. That it was motivational for them in regard to their own fitness and healthy eating habits. I thought that was fantastic and felt very, very motivated by them and their kind words!

*Body Mass Index Categories:

• Underweight = <18.5
• Normal weight = 18.5–24.9
• Overweight = 25–29.9
• Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/guidelines/obesity/BMI/bmicalc.htm

Grocery Haul

I’ve been a little bored with my food. I go shopping about once every two weeks and then I eat from what I buy over that time period. I’ve pretty much been eating the same foods in different combos for a month. I’ve said this before: I live in a small town. Teeny tiny. And I’m a little broke. So, I go to Wal-mart, because it’s cheaper than Safeway and I couldn’t afford the Food Co-Op unless I worked there part time. I shop from Wal-mart’s selection of foods every two weeks… Which means I usually bring home the same foods every two weeks.

Now apparently I was missing out. I recently spent a day browsing our Safeway’s shelves. I realized, they have a far better health food selection than Wal-mart does. WAY better. I found foods that I had read about in Self magazine that I thought were impossible to get in this town. Quinoa pasta was one of the things that I saw and couldn’t resist buying that day. Not only that but it appears that their produce is fresher, their meat is a higher quality and I don’t have to be bored with my food anymore!

Today I hit the mother load. I purchased more quinoa pasta, pre-sliced Gouda cheese, raw honey, chia squeezes, almond flour, and so many more foods that I have heard about but never had a chance to try.

The winner of the evening is Dave’s Killer Bread.

I purchased the Power Seed version and the 21 Whole Grains version. Here are the ingrediants in the Power Seed.

Organic whole wheat flour, organic cracked whole wheat, water, Powerseed mix (organic whole flaxseeds, organic ground whole flaxseeds, organic sunflower seeds, organic unhulled brown sesame seeds, organic pumpkin seeds, organic unhulled black sesame seeds), organic fruit juices (pear, pineapple, peach), organic oat fiber, organic vital wheat gluten, organic rolled oats, sea salt, organic cultured wheat.

And the nutritional info:

All of which make me very happy. Best of all? It makes my taste buds happy too!

Day 13: My Sleep Habits

So today I woke up at a time that was more afternoon than morning. I’ve given myself a hard time about my weird sleep schedule before, but there are some reasons why changing that hasn’t been part of my health goals.

• I’ve been a night owl since I was a kid (& home schooled). My body just seems to like being awake at night. I try to go to sleep at an early time and I lay there staring at the ceiling for hours.
• One of the elements of my anxiety disorder is that I have horrible nightmares. I prefer to sleep with my husband next to me or at least in the house so that if I start freaking out in my sleep he can wake me up. The holding helps too. There is nothing like going back to sleep alone after you wake up screaming *shiver*. This has been occurring less frequently since implementing healthy habits and attending therapy, but it still happens occasionally.
• My husband works overnights AND some days. He works two jobs. So I don’t care if its 3am, if he is awake and home it’s date night.

Now, I’ve been able to change my sleep schedule before. It’s not easy for me by a long shot and if I screw up once it’ll throw me off for a whole week. But I’m going to have to sleep like a sane person again in January because I’m not one of those people who can go to bed and 4am and be up for work at 530am and stay conscious through a class after work. One thing that will help this goal is that at that time my husband will be reducing his work hours around February, so we will have a chance to see each other without my being on crazy hours.

I believe that getting enough sleep is important. I believe that not oversleeping is important as well. I apply some of my common sense rule here.

If I am full I should stop eating.

If I am not tired any more I should stop sleeping.

So while I am admittedly on a crazy sleep schedule at the moment, I am not depriving myself of sleep. I am basically just on an over night workers schedule even though I go to work at 630am. I get off from my very awesome job at around 930am or 10am. Then I go to bed. Because that’s when my body says, “Go to bed.” and I wake up about seven or eight hours later. Because if I sleep more than that my back revolts.

Of course, in about two months I’m going to have a 10am class, so that won’t be an option anymore. Since classes start January 13th here, I suppose I’ll be switching that sleep schedule the first of the year so I have time to adjust and hopefully, be over my Night Owl version of jet lag.

New Years Resolution, go to bed before eleven on weekdays, before midnight on weekends. As of the 1st I will be including it as one of my healthy living rules for this site. Glad the New Year isn’t here quite yet!

Related link of the day: http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2013/11/19/are-you-making-these-mistakes-with-your-sleep/#more-13558

Day Twelve: Disney World

Do we stand in our own way when it comes to success? When I think of succeeding in the healthy living project, I think of looking fit and toned and happy. Most of the time it makes me want it more. But sometimes the thought of how far I have to go, of how many chances I’ll have to fail makes me want to run for the nearest tub of fried chicken and jump in.

I feel the same way about starting college at the beginning of 2014. I see two potential futures in movie montages running through my mind. In one I stand up and graduate from college, I open my own fitness studio or become a nutritionist or even (using my minor) become a professional musician. In the other I simply… Fail. I take a few classes, can’t handle it. Wash out. My life stays exactly the same as it is now. I end up in my thirties right here. Unmoved. Don’t get me wrong, I have a good life. I’m happy. But I’m happy because I’m expecting change. I need to change myself for the better, and I never want to stop changing myself for the better. Even the most beautiful picture can get pretty damn boring if you stare at it too long.

When I was growing up if we were preparing for vacation my Dad would frequently unpack his stuff from the car and say, “Nope. I’m staying home. Screw Disney World.” Because what if Disney World sucks?

What if we go and the lines are long, and it’s too hot and some kid throws up on his shoes?

Am I doing that? What if I go to college and I get an F, and my teacher is totally mean, and it turns out I hate taking notes, and I don’t make any friends because I’m boring….

What if. What if. What if.

But what if “Disney World” is awesome?

What if I succeed?

I suppose if I want to find out what happens, good or bad, I’ll just have to try.

Guess I’m going to “Disney World”.

Day Ten: Doing Something Right, Using Common Sense In The Kitchen

To start things off here is my “Link Of The Day!!”: http://greatist.com/health/44-healthy-foods-under-1 This link will take you to a list of the forty-four healthiest foods for under a dollar a serving. How sweet is that! I think this will literally be my shopping list from now on.

As a member of the glorious “I’m So Broke We Can’t Afford T-Shirts” club, one thing I have also been doing to streeeeeetch my food supply is to take smaller portions of meat and cook them up with lots of veggies. This also makes meals more nutritious, so it’s a double whammy. Tonight I made Quinoa Spaghetti with Meat Sauce. That meat sauce only had about a quarter pound of ground chicken (yes, I used chicken!) but since I also threw celery, onions, carrots and half a can of marinara sauce and mushrooms in it was more than enough to satisfy my Husband and I for dinner.

Pre-healthy eating days a whole pound of ground beef was likely to go into the pan with an entire jar of ragu, and I would boil a whole box of regular or “white” spaghetti noodles. That would still only feed us for just one night! The differences are astronomical. I haven’t done a calorie count, because I don’t count calories, but the colors in my bowl and the way I feel after  I’m done eating (no food hangover!) let me know that I’m doing something right.

As far as recording my eating habits, I simply went to Walmart and bought a Daily Planner. It was $1.98. The layout is perfect. Already separated into days with blocks of space for my food/excercise entries. It sits on my bedside and I fill in what I’ve eaten at the end of the day. It works perfectly for my needs. Now there are also some great online trackers out there. Sparkpeople.com and Fitnesspal.com are the first that jump to mind for me. I’ve used them, but like I said I don’t like counting calories. I like eating until I’m full and then stopping. I’m full? Well, put the fork down. I’m hungry? Eat something! I’m thirsty? Drink some water. My body is communicating with me. I prefer to listen to that because now that I’m not listening to the junk food craving part of my brain I can hear my stomach when it says, “I’m full.”

I don’t consider myself to be following a traditional “Diet” that word has so many negative connotations for me. What I consider myself to be doing is simply using common sense.

• Apple, Strawberries, Tea, Chicken Breast, Celery, Kale? Good for me.
• Cake, Soda, Candy, Chips, Easy Mac? Not so much.
• Workout, Ten Minute Dance Break From The Computer? Hell, yes!
• Sit in front of the TV all day? No!

I do think that diets can have good suggestions. So I read about different ones. I apply the different rules that make logical sense to my life. If it’s not logical for my body I will not do it. Simple.

I opened with my link of the day, so I will close with my youtube video of the day.

 

 

 

Day Nine: Yes, I have talked to my doctor about my excercise routine. Yes, I am a strong person.

Today is my one rest day a week from exercising and I am grateful for it. I’m an all over sort of sore. It’s faint, I’ve been a regular in the gym, in my yoga class, and on my living room floor with an exercise DVD long enough that my muscles are in pretty good shape. Really I’m just adding on one-two workouts a week to my normal routine.

The reason why I am so ready for a break is that I have preexisting injuries to my neck, shoulders and back from a motorcycle accident that like to flare up. Right now, with nasty weather headed my way it’s flaring up. Big time. I’m not one to go around poking my personal pain monster with a stick and seeing if it bites so I’ve been trying to stick with what I consider to be healing exercise options like (I’ll give you one guess) yoga.

However, my workouts cannot revolve around yoga alone without being severely lacking. Cardio is fine. I like to combine my cardio with strength and sometimes strength exercises actually help reduce the amount of pain my injuries generate. Let me say this: the times of my worst flare ups are when I am the most sedentary. As in: if I get the flu and don’t work out for a week while I get better, my back, neck and shoulders get worse. Way worse. Pain medications that make you think you’re actually traveling through space in time rather than just watching Doctor Who on Netflix. That kind of worse. I don’t like that. I don’t like taking meds, perhaps from having family members with medical issues themselves and knowing just how crappy the side effects can be. I avoid even over the counter types such as acetaminophen and Tylenol if I can. Disclaimer: Once a month, this does not apply. If you are a girl you know what I mean. If you are a guy, you don’t want to.

To continue my earlier train of thought, sometimes strength exercises lessen my pain. I think due to strengthening the supporting muscles throughout my body. I remember once hearing that if you aren’t exercising you are basically choosing to put your body through muscle atrophy. Sometimes though, those muscles just need a break. Right now is one of those times. I’m not saying a month long break. I’m not saying a week long break. I’m saying a day. Just a break. Let those muscles take a nap. They have earned it.

I’m not saying you should workout if it causes or exacerbates injury. I’m not saying that at all. You cannot bring your body to it’s fullest potential if you are injuring it. Don’t do that. I’m not a doctor, but that is a statement I feel confident in stating unequivocally. If you are injured, don’t make it worse by pushing yourself when your body is not in a healthy place to do so. As the title of this post suggests I have talked to my Doc (in this case my chiropractor who has a specialization in sports injuries, and who -at this point- I know on a first name basis) about the forms of exercise I participate in.

The types of injuries I have aren’t going anywhere. They are going to be my companions for the rest of my life. I’m 23 years old, so I’ve got a long way to go and I’m not throwing in the towel and letting them take over my life by any means. But they are going to be there, all I can do is learn how to deal with them in the best most healthful way that I can. At the end of the day, I try to end up loving my body. On the days when I can’t bring myself to love how it looks, I can still bring myself to love what it can accomplish. What I can accomplish. I can focus on the fact that I push my body hard and I frequently meet or surpass those expectations. What more can I ask for?

I think that is what everyone has to do with the hurdles they face when they pursue a healthy life. Whether its an injury, a personal loss, a person in their life who encourages unhealthy habits (Shout out to my Husband- my personal junk food monster!), boredom, sweet tooth, or the fact that yesterday you ate an entire pizza and then said “Screw it.” and kept on eating (I have been there).

• You have to find a way to keep going. Giving up is not... Cannot be allowed.
• You have to find a way to deal with your faults or the things that hold you back in the most healthful way you can.
• You have to find a way to love your body and yourself.

If at the end of the day you can look into the mirror and see someone who has been strong, who has accomplished something valuable… Well, I ask you, what more can you ask for?